What do you think of this poem I wrote?

I think it needs more work to delivery a better "bang"...suggestions? What do you think of the poem?





Your Gift







Flurries are falling, sidewalks are white,

Bell jingling, Christmas is tonight,

A wind lifts the snow off the ground,

I smile, because of what I've found.



Santa doesn't know that what I need,

Can't be found under the Christmas tree.

I just want to be with you alone,

Waiting for you under the mistletoe.



Unwrapping this gift money can't buy,

Arms around me, can't help but smile,

Your not surprised, you always knew,

That all I want for Christmas, is you.

What do you think of this poem I wrote?
I really really like it :) light n fluffy and u've said it so nicely young is wat it is.
Reply:Very good,



Here is my attempt at a slightly different version.



Flurries are falling, sidewalks are white,

Bells are jingling, it's Christmas tonight,

A wind lifts the snow, off the ground,

I smile, because of what I have found.



Santa doesn't know, that your gift to me,

Can't be found, under the Christmas tree.

I just want to be with you, and not alone,

Standing under the mistletoe.



Unwrapping this gift, that money can't buy,

Your arms around me, can't help but smile,

Your not surprised, you always knew,

That all I want for Christmas, is you, just you.
Reply:its ok but with a little more practice you might get 1 published.
Reply:The poem grabs the english language and punishingly extracts rhythm, depth and meaning from a limited amount of words and space.
Reply:very pretty poem
Reply:Thats pretty awesome.



It rhyems(dang i cant spell) pretty good!



Possibly Post Some More?
Reply:i think its just fine
Reply:Raw talent. good, but still needs polishing. first, make it flow better... more like a river than a bouncy ball. second, the message and content is excellent, but you could beef up your wording a bit. overall, nice work!
Reply:I normally read Roman poetry written before advent of Jesus.



Translation Example: "...you've got a lot of man in you, Nazo, and a lot of men also..."



Its interesting that this tiny portion can address all prior ages and today also. What's the shelf life of Santa, y'think?
Reply:Not to be mean...but I am honest....sounds like your typical 14 year old's Christmas love poem.......
Reply:I think that the poem is good...
Reply:Line 2: "Bells" jingling

(plural goes with flurries and sidewalks)



Line 11: "You're" not surprised



Good luck with the poem!
Reply:This poem is awesome

it came from your heart and the best of writers knows you can't fight with the heart i loved it

thank you for sharing

beaded necklace